When Cookies Go Flat

When Mr. Starlet decided that he could not palette ice cream for dessert for the umpteenth day in a row, he asked for cookies. Normally, this request would send me gleefully running to the kitchen.

This particular evening, however, I turned the tables on him. If he wanted cookies, he had to make them. I had a promise to fulfill within the next 12 hours, most of which I intended to spend sleeping.

A few dilemmas arose, all of which I expertly solved. He softened the butter in the microwave, capped off the measuring cup with Splenda after the sugar ran out, and even began dropping the finished dough by teaspoonfuls onto the cookie sheet.

I was only slightly alarmed when those teeny tiny mounds of cookie dough looked like curdled soup. But when the cookies came out of the oven flatter than Wylie Coyote, the questions started flying.

Mr. Starlet: Why are these cookies so flat?

Me: I don’t know. Did you remember to add the baking soda?

Yes. Of course I remembered to add the baking soda.

Did you melt the butter or just soften it?

I softened it.

What is just soft or mostly melted?

It was softened.

[Silence as we look at each other askance .]

Maybe it’s because the baking soda is two thousand years old.

What?! The baking soda is not two thousand years old. I just bought it.

When?

Um, sometime this year.

In the spirit of Dr. Seuss, we decided that a “cookie is a cookie no matter how flat.” And we ate them.

Later, I learned that there are a number of ways he—er, we—went wrong. Apparently, softening the butter in the microwave is a big no-no. As is using all butter. (Best to use half butter, half shortening.) And our cookie sheet is not even a cookie sheet. No, a cookie sheet has only one raised side. A baking sheet has four. (Imposter!)

This is why some people only eat cookie dough.